apparently the secret to your success is patron
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
