Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
