Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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