I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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