I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my being single is dangerous.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
