Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
