And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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