Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm like, not good at living.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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