wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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