Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
