Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
