I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
