do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
