My liver just broke up with me...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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