I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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