you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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