No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize