we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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