Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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