Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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