He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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