Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
