you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
