I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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