Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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