I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
