She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
then he tried to convert me to islam
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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