I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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