i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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