i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just want nice things and good sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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