dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
