no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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