Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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