So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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