I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
