i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
