I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
