is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize