So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
