dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
