Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize