: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
