I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
