I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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