Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She said her name was "party"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
