no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dick very happy bro
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
