I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
