Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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