Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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