Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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