I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
my poor anus
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
