Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
