all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
