You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize