In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
