I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
