A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
