dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize