i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize