Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
