yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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