I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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