My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
